I have a confession to make. I’ve been in a funk again which is why I haven’t been on social media lately. It happens to me every now and again.
A few weeks ago I went through the blog and made private all the posts that we’re about things like this. My personal thoughts. The depression that seems to just be a part of me. My reflections. I still don’t know if I should have done that. But, I thought it would make me feel more confident about posting.
Truth is, I am scared. I have so many ideas. So many things I want to talk about. I have good solid advice about loosing weight. I have recipes that are mine, my little foodie brain children. I have hundreds of pictures saved on my phone. And then when things get all funky in my head, I don’t post. I don’t Instagram. I worry too much about what other people will think. How I will appear. What they will say.
I worry that someone I know in “real life” will find my blog and read about my personal thoughts and feelings. I worry about exposing my heart to the world. About being too open. About saying the wrong thing or too much of the right thing or just saying whatever it is I am trying to say in a way that offends or doesn’t provide the right information.
I don’t know. It is exhausting. The constant fluctuation of thoughts in my brain quite literally exhausts me. And instead of speaking from my heart I become something I am not. I become this person who is trying to entertain. Who is trying to draw an audience. Who is trying to be confident and knowledgeable about things I honestly don’t even know about.
Truth is. I am shy. I know a lot about loosing weight and I read a lot about carcinogens and red dye #5 or whatever else we should be afraid to eat and I try to eat healthy. I try to eat as much organic foods as I can but, I have a real issue with retaining the information I read and every time I try to explain it to even my husband I forget and end up sounding like: it’s just bad for you and yeah. Cancer. Yeah.
So forget all that. Forget trying to impress you with my worldly knowledge that doesn’t exist. Forget trying to give away products that create overwhelming giveaways for me and work I am not ready to commit to. This blog barely has any content because I have been running around in circles afraid of where to start. So forget it all.
I have always struggled with worrying way too much about other people’s opinions. I spend most of my life trying to appear to be someone I am not while I struggle inside with terrible insecurities, fear and personal judgement. I do things because they are what I should be doing or because they look right. I never listen to my heart out of fear. I am never honest with myself. I am never confident. I am always hiding. I am so tired of hiding. It is exhausting.
I want to help other people. I want this blog to teach people what I have spent over a decade of my life doing. Loosing weight. I also want to reflect. I want to talk just like this when I need to talk. This is my space so I am granting myself with the right to do that. I am done putting on a show. I am going to peel back the layers. I am going to stop trying to sugar coat and just put it out there.
I was a fat kid. I overate a lot. I didn’t even know that I was overeating. I was thoroughly convinced that I was just born that way until I was about fifteen years old. I started off dieting and running and once I saw that I could actually loose weight, that I wasn’t just “big boned” or whatever kind of bulls*** line they want to feed you. That is was MY fault and I was in control, I became obsessed with the control. I got into diet pills and caffeine pretty heavily. So bad that it turns out, I didn’t really have Crohn’s disease at all. I just did so much damage to my intestine that it flared up and looked like I had Crohn’s disease. I caused myself to feel like I was on death row for six years but whatever, I was a kid and I was really into that whole living on the edge thing. In fact, I only recently discovered that not living on the edge could actually still be fun.
I spent a lot of years abusing my body, doing drugs and starving myself. I thought the only way that I could be thin and stay that way was in this state of starvation. I loved the euphoria your brain experiences during fasting. That state unleashed so much openness in my thoughts. I could write for days. I was once again again, addicted. So much of my life has been about addictions. I never felt like I was good enough, pure enough, honest and worthy enough to deserve a good life.
I have disrespected and taken advantage of the beautiful life I have been blessed with. My good job. My loving and understanding husband. The house we amazingly built. My daughter, the most incredible gift I have ever received. The reason why I think, there must be more to this life that we live. I have been so selfish. So self involved. So much of everything that I shouldn’t be and not enough of what I should.
Screw everything. My parents. My past. The thoughts that haunt my mind. The inability to focus on the present. Forget all that. It doesn’t own me. This day is all that matters. Today is all that matters. Not yesterday. Not last year. TODAY.
When I got healthy it took a long time before I could talk to other people about loosing weight. In fact, no one asked me. Everyone knew what I had been up to even though I had never told a soul. It was all just one big dirty secret in my mind. And once time past. Once I stopped yo-yoing. Once I started eating again. Eating healthy. People, the people in my life, they all started asking me for advice. Me, of all people.
I thought it was crazy. How did they not know the right way to eat? I somehow thought it was normal that I had spent hundreds of hours of my life on the internet researching how to loose weight and just somehow assumed everyone else did the same. But they didn’t. They wanted to ask me the right things to eat. They wanted to know what exercises I did. They wanted to know how I bounced back after pregnancy. They wanted to know how I was still thin so late in my twenties, how I still looked so young.
And that is what inspired me to create this blog. Because I wanted to have a blog that was a positive experience for me. After spending close to ten years blogging about my pain, my depression, my eating disorder, everything that I was hiding from the world. I wanted to stop hiding.
But I just haven’t known where or how to start. I have been afraid of which honesty was okay and what was not. I wanted to appear a certain way. To hide from my past.
I am done hiding. I am done pretending. And finally now, I realize where I needed to start.
It was right here.
Hi. My name is Danielle Johnson. I get depressed sometimes. I get scared and I am shy. I used to starve myself. I use to cut, abuse, and do anything else I could to fuel my self hatred. I did lots of drugs in high school. I still love a good party. But these days, I love to cook. I love to create fresh beautiful meals that are picture perfect. I believe in whole foods, natural foods, goodness that comes from the earth not in a lab. I’ve taken up gardening and it doesn’t feel like work. My husband has started calling me farmer Jo. It makes me think that maybe he’s onto something. I still love to run and I’ve taken up yoga. I have realized that stress is deteriorating and try to avoid that feeling as much as I can. I love my family. I love being home with them, put-sing around the house, hanging up pictures, reflecting on our memories, playing board-games. I could take friends or leave them. Most of the time, it feels like too much work keeping them around. People tend to hurt each-other, worry too much about being there or not being there, depend on things we shouldn’t, get too involved. At the end of the day, give me my couch, a big box of Lego’s, some Curious George and our night is perfect. I want to have more babies. I love being a mom. My Summer is the best thing that ever happened to me. If she is happy, I am happy. I am always thinking of everything I can do with her, places I can take her, new toys I can buy her, she is my new obsession and I am pretty sure that for once, it is okay. I am finding happiness little by little, day by day. I managed to get through all the darkness without meds, without therapy, without any outside help. Writing is my therapy. Maybe a little bought of pot here and there. Mostly just having my rock of a husband and an outlet for my thoughts.
So here goes nothing. I am letting it go. Goodbye past. Goodbye pain. Goodbye self hatred. Goodbye doubts. I am healthy. I am going to organize everything I want to say and I am going to help. If you want to loose weight. If you don’t know where to start. I am going to show you how. The right way. The healthy way.